4.1.05

How our beneficent, benevolent Bush reich is making us all safer

An April Fools’ Day reflection

By Gino Rembetes

Yes, my fellow Amurrikkans, aren’t we just so lucky to have a president who openly admits being part of the Holy Trinity?

If it wasn’t for that – like, if the president was some secularist, tax-and-spend Dimocrat – Amurrikka would let annoying little technicalities like international laws and treaties and our own pinko Constitution get in the way of keeping you and me safe from terrorists, suspected terrorists, people suspected of having ties to people suspected of having ties to people who, despite lack of evidence, might be terrorists, Commies (yes, they’re still out there – just 90 miles from our southeastern shore and waiting to stage a “workers’ revolution” in Little Havana and, hey, that’s just a stone’s throw from Disney World!), tree-huggers, union featherbedders, peaceniks and the like.

Did I leave anyone out? Actually, yes, I did: each other.

Remember, about a year ago, the FBI warned us that al Qaeda was recruiting non-Arabs – like, your neighbors, dude! You never know what’s causing the bulge in the backpack that the 6-year-old living next door is carrying to school. It could be a vial containing some deadly chemical – or, worse, RU-486.

Well, we can all rest a little easier, because the Bush reich, with several assists from right-thinking ReeePUBlicans in Congress and their Dimocratic colleagues politically savvy enough to let the GOP do their thinking for them, is taking all measure of measures to make us safe. Some examples:

The PATRIOT Act. It’s 8 p.m. Do you know what your neighbor is checking out of the library or buying from the local book megastore? You don’t have to worry about it anymore, because the PATRIOT Act lets Uncle Sam do the snooping, with your neighbor never learning about it until federal agents close in for the arrest.

The Homeland Security Act. Thanks to this fine piece of legislation, we no longer have to worry that the people guarding our airports, seaports, and border crossings will collectively assert their rights as workers. That’s because HSA merged Customs, the Border Patrol, and umpteen other agencies, thereby wiping out their union contract, and the bill forbids employees of the agencies and their parent, the Department of Homeland Security, to organize. So they can’t conspire to seek pay and benefit increases, or to prevent their pay and benefits from going south. Think of the taxpayer dollars that’ll save. And wouldn’t you rather see them at their assigned stations than on picket lines?

HSA also continues that ReeePUBlican spirit of getting government off the backs of our wonderful corporations, by allowing them to file as “critical infrastructure information” anything they don’t want your possibly terrorist neighbors to know – such as when one of their factories is chemically, biologically, or radiologically enriching the air, water, or soil in the surrounding neighborhood. So as your possibly terrorist neighbors’ kids are up-chucking more Big Macs than usual or the asthma seems especially bad this month, just remember: What you and your possibly terrorist neighbors don’t know won’t hurt you.

Wars at the president’s whim … er … I mean, command. Even secularist, flip-flopping Dimocrat John Kerry agrees the power to wage war should rest with the president. Article I, Section 8, clauses 11-15 of the Constitution, which vest that authority in Congress, were written more than 200 years ago, and when observed, they prevent the president from acting swiftly and decisively, as George W. Bush did when visiting those second-graders in Florida on the morning of Sept. 11, 2001.

Thumbs down on FOIA. Back in October 2001, then-Attorney General John Ashcroft sent out a memo urging all federal agencies to resist requests made under the Freedom of Information Act for federal records. Let’s face it: even the most innocuous-seeming documents could, if made public, raise questions about the agenda that right-thinking ReeePUBlicans have so carefully crafted, possibly compromising their ability to move it forward. God forbid (that’s a direct quote from President Bush)!

Intelligence “stovepiping.” The intelligence process as normally practiced involves painstaking vetting and analysis of raw data. That not only takes too long but also brings to light facts that stand as counter-indications to the president’s policy goals and objectives. So a few years ago, the Pentagon brass ordered that the raw data be “stovepiped,” i.e. sent straight to the top echelons instead of detoured through the offices of a bunch of so-called experts. Thus, the Bush reich was able to build its case for spreading Amurrikkan-style democracy to Iraq. I feel a lot safer and certainly more patriotic now.

Extraordinary rendition. It’s 3 a.m. Do you know where your husband is? OK, so you haven’t heard from him in a week or more and the police have no clue as to his whereabouts. But that’s not necessarily cause for alarm. Especially if he has a first name like Maher, Muhammad or Abdullah, chances are he’s tucked away in a safe, secure environment somewhere in the Middle East, courtesy of some CIA operatives who ever so gently and politely rammed a tranq dart up his rear end, shackled and hooded him, and a few guys who then flew him there in a Lear jet to be ever so gently and politely queried about some suspected terrorists, people suspected of having ties to people suspected of having ties to people who, despite lack of evidence, might be terrorists, Commies (yes, they’re still out there – just 7,000 nautical miles from our western shore and waiting to stage a “workers’ revolution” in Orange County’s Little Saigon and, hey, that’s just a stone’s throw from Disneyland!), tree-huggers, union featherbedders, peaceniks and the like.

Did I leave anyone out? Actually, yes, I did: you and me. Sleep well.

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Gino Rembetes is a freelance writer in the Bay Area. E-mail him at rembetesg@earthlink.net.