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March 3, 2003


Watching City Hall

by h. brown

What the hell is it about Mexican food?
(h. brown spin on Fagan’s fajita friggin’ fight)

Well, San Francisco is always the leader, huh?

I know that was my first thought when I opened the morning 2-ply Chronicle and read that this was the most members of a large city command staff ever indicted in an American metropolis. “We’re Number One!”

Well, let me say a couple of things about that. If I were hired to spin this for the SFPD ... As everyone knows, I work for cheap bourbon, pot and, yes, the occasional fajita. If I take cash, it screws with my welfare check … If I were spinning this, here’s the way it would go.

Fagan Junior & Friends Part of Secret Anti-Terrorism Unit!

New information released by the San Francisco Police Department today revealed that Officer Alex Fagan, Jr. is the head of a 24/7 roving patrol specializing in thwarting potential gas attacks. Speaking on condition of anonymity, Chief Earl Sanders said: “Everyone knows that if you mix some Mexican food with gastric juices, you’ll soon get explosive gas as a by-product. It’s just lucky these officers were able to stop these fiends before they were able to mix the ingredients.”

Other department insiders put together parts of the strange puzzle that played out as the dedicated officers cruised the dangerous Union Street area pretending to be three drunken red-necked yahoos looking for trouble.

“Put down the fajitas and back away!!” one secret strike-force member was quoted as telling the terrorists.

“It took balls to approach these guys!” noted physical fitness nut and SFPD Captain Greg Corrales, speaking off-the-record. “I intend to put these guys in for double overtime credit.”

“I can’t tell you how proud we are of my son,” offered a much-maligned, unnamed assistant chief. “We’ve told him to go out there and act like a loose-cannon, homophobic, sexist brute and somehow, he’s managed to stay in character.”

Terrorists Transferred to Guantanamo

Pinko/commie/terrorist-coddler San Francisco District Attorney Terence Hallinan got a real surprise when he found the terrorists who attacked the fun-loving, patriotic, sweet-breathed undercover Fagan Jr. team had been taken into custody & spirited away to the Al Qaeda holding pens at the imperialist occupation compound across the street from Fidel Castro’s house in sunny Cuba. When asked what happened to the provocateurs, the ever-vigilant San Francisco mayor, Willie Brown, looked up from his free meal at a top city restaurant, sipped at his expensive champagne, squeezed the taut nipple of a “Special” assistant & replied: “Witness? We ain’t got no stinkin’ witness!”

The City is in good hands.

One for the Road

There is a company in Utah that is a key financial cow for the Republican party in general and Utah senior senator Orin Hatch in particular. Its name is Thiokol. Among other things, the company builds the giant fuel tanks for the space shuttle. But not very well.

Remember the findings from the investigation when Challenger blew up while straining at thousands of miles an hour to break Earth’s gravity? They found that because, Thiokol wanted to save money, it hadn’t bothered to replace the huge rubber seals that connect sections of the massive fuel cells upon which the space vehicle itself perches. The worn seals gave way & released streams of gas like a blow torch.

So, how did Congress and the president react? Well, you might not believe this, but they gave Thiokol a bonus for “meeting and exceeding” its goals. Uh huh. About six months after the company toasted seven astronauts by its incompetence, it got a big bonus from the government! (Sounds lots like PG&E.)

Well, it looks like it’s done it again!

How Hard Is It to Build a Gas Tank?

Same company. Same giant gas tank design. Same level of incompetence. These people can’t even glue insulation around the shell of a tank properly. Now, I know it’s only foam rubber, but think. It is hardened foam rubber. Would you like to have a piece of hardened foam rubber moving around 6,000 miles an hour hit your car?

Again, the spin for Thiokol began immediately. It couldn’t be the company’s fault! Look for Thiokol to get another performance bonus when things quiet down.

And Willie and his gang? Look for every cop involved in the assault and cover-up to not only keep his job but to get a bonus and overtime. It’s the American way.

Fagan Jr. & his homeboys? Remember that 3:00 am movie of the Mexican bandits that always cracks you up? You know - the one with that classic line: “Badges? … We don’t need no stinking badges!”

Button up and hold on: sobone@juno.com