[Watching City Hall appears in this space
Wednesday, and Friday.]
Wednesday, May 29
by h. brown
Advice from an Elder
I've been reading that Gavin Newsom is searching his
soul as to whether or not he should leave politics.
Gav, if you're listening old man, let me give you some
advice. Follow your heart, kid. Quit politics! Join the Oakland branch
of the Hell's Angels (they're near) & get that mane of hair out into the
open air!! No more questions about whether you're a wimp or too
fastidious. Hell, I understand everyone pisses on your levis and you
have to wear them a month or something without washing them. That's
almost as long as I usually wear mine. You could use your restaurants as
fronts for a heavy meth and coke trade and turn your residential units
into brothels. Stop asking yourself “IF” you should get out of politics.
Start asking yourself, “Why didn't I think of this sooner?”
Full Moon & Carnival
Now and then it's best if I leave town for awhile until
things blow over. Ya know? This last weekend, Aimee scheduled a bonfire
on during the full moon, the same day as Carnival was happening in the
Mission. Clearly, my only chances for survival were to have myself
locked up, committed. Or go up to Daniel & Becky's in Sonoma County and
play ping pong. I chose the latter.
I don't seek certain destruction as much as I did in my
youth. Having failed to reach the top of Hayes Hill in the previous
Sunday's Bay to Breakers, why go in harm's way again? Sometimes it seems
like there is a full moon every night in San Francisco. I grabbed the
Celine book Gonzalez lent me ("Journey to the End of the Night") & went
for a few days of suburban "normalcy."
That's where I've been. Out of town. With normal people.
See, I can act regular too. Lying by the edge of the pool. Getting a
sunburn. Drinking vodka tonics & shots of tequila. Watching sports on a
big screen tube.
Mayor cuts off supes'
And Peskin interrupts public
comment to deride Bardis
What would you think of a legislative body empowered to
spend 5.2 billion dollars on behalf of its citizens but who abdicated
99.7% of that responsibility? That's our San Francisco Board of
Uh huh. All of em but Matt Gonzalez & Chris Daly.
Now, as a reward, the mayor is making noises through his
minions (Like Leland “Odd Job” Yee) that he wants to take away the
board's paltry 3/10ths of 1% of the spending power. I think it's funny.
It reminds me of the old line the kids used to say on the playground
when you let someone fuck over you: "If you'll stand for that, you'll
stoop for THIS!"
All day yesterday we started hearing indications that
the board's “add backs” are going to be on the table for possible cuts.
In the middle of it all, the board's public comment section of the
meeting came around. Former supervisor John Bardis stood elegantly and
forcefully to remind the supes that even though the budget that comes to
the board the 1st of June is the mayor's budget, when it goes
back for the mayor's signature on July 1st, it is THE BOARD's
Peskin came out of his seat like he had a rocket up his
butt. He looked like one of Santa's elves jumping up and down in front
of the TV camera. I busted a gut laughing & poured another bourbon. It
was good to be back in town.
1,000 pages of h. brown
The Call will be offline for the month of June while we
retool before hitting the streets again. Last edition of this era will
be Friday (May 31st). A friend has promised to create a
website for me to store my columns during June & perhaps coalesce them
into novel format. If you're interested in 18 months of my columns,
watch for the address on Friday.
sunny side up:
Monday, May 27
h. brown is out of town.
Friday, May 24
by h. brown
Tony Hall, Big Tony, he comes to the Transportation
Committee Thursday to present this latest version of "Let's Screw Rent
Control!" cooked up by the real estate brokers. This time it's called
"HOPE," as in “They HOPE you're as dumb as you look.”
The realtors have concocted this cute little piece of
legislation that kind of reminds you of PG&E's retarded hamster in the
Public Power campaign. You know, you lean over to pat it on the head &
it throws you & your clothes out into the street? Get the details from
someone else, but trust me on the basics. If you make less than $120
grand a year, you ain't gonna get no condo outta this legislation. You
will, however (as soon as humanly possible) be doing a kind of reverse
“Okie” thing as you head ta hell outta here. Start looking for stock in
U-Haul or “Storage World,” or maybe you can inoculate yourself with
enough Botox to make it into an adolescent group home.
McGoldrick is the chair of the Transportation Committee,
and he continued the strong run of solid performances under Willie's Big
Top. To their credit, he & Ammiano (majority votes in committee) didn't
get up on the table & stomp all over Hall's nicely bound, 90-page
presentation. The effect, however, was the same. Hall said something to
the effect of, "I'll die of old age before this gets out of this
Annnnd, guys … you can save this. Matt Gonzalez has a
group ready with a ballot proposal creating a San Francisco Land Trust.
I'm told the numbers being kicked around are somewhere from a billion
dollars, downwards to 250 million. For a billion, you can put up to
10,000 units into a “truly” affordable land trust with at least 20,000
renters becoming owners under conditions that (a) enable them to
purchase their apartment even if they only make 30k a year and (b)
insure that the unit will always be affordable and beyond speculation.
You get Hall and Gonzalez together & we can have renters
buying their places for a hundred grand or less from the City Land Trust
next year at this time. It's done all over the world. It is only the
greed of realtors that opposes it now.
It's another BLADDER OLYMPICS!!
– Chair McGoldrick tells the excruciating truth
Boyd Yee of the DPT (Parking & Traffic) was the
recipient of true grace from God as the four-hour opening skirmish of
the Hope Vs. Land Trust debate ended. McGoldrick is chair now & he was
also the chair when the committee was called “Land Use” and Jake didn't
know which end of the gavel to hit the table with. Anyway, this Boyd Yee
guy came before the committee on Thursday & basically wanted to give a
bunch of neighborhood parking spots to some dot-com scum. In one of the
board's earliest meetings with the inner-sanctum staff of Willie's lower
intestine, Yee insulted the new board's committee and hasn't been seen
much since. Now the department sends people whose knuckles don't drag on
Set the scene. “Last year,” Yee's gotta be thinking, “do
they remember me from when I insulted them last year?” McGoldrick's got
bigger fish to fry. He's gotta piss like a race horse and he asks
Ammiano if they can take a five-minute break. Hall's gone … uh …
pouting, so they wouldn't have a quorum. Jake crosses his legs & says,
"It's another … " Yee takes the podium (he has the final two items) &
McGoldrick goes like Flash Gordon for the first time in his life. The
man would have signed away Alaska for two bits! Wouldn't you?
Then, all at once …
he was standing there!
So sure of himself …
his head in the air!
– Gavin Newsom humming Roy Orbison in his sleep
while having nightmares of our first debate
I'm running for Supervisor in District 2, you know? You
didn't? OK, it's mostly a secret except at the corner liquor store. I
have to put together a short bio thing for the District 2 web page run
by Daniela Kirshenbaum. She wants a “candidate” recent shot of me. I, of
course, asked if nudity & obscenity were allowed (if you can't have fun,
I settled on a top ten list. Yeah, like Letterman. They
always ask you that kind of thing. They say, like, "What would make you
our best choice for Supervisor?" Here are my answers.
Number ten: If you call me at 3:30 am, I'll probably
still be up & might just invite you over for a beer.
Number nine: I think $30,000 a year is big money.
Number eight: I've had a vasectomy.
Number seven: I've never met Gray Davis
Number six: You can borrow my car.
Number five: I can't count.
Number five: I won't take up much room on your
Number three: I tested negative.
Number two: I don't like interns.
Number one: I know where you live.
Issues are for sissies: