h. brown's columns for October 2
& October 4:
by h. brown
Grant stood by me when I was crazy … and I
stood by Grant when he was drunk.
– William Tecumseh Sherman
The men who saved the Union were nuts and liquored up.
If they’d only had the foresight to smoke a little weed, they’d have had
all the bases covered. Yeah, those were the days when America knew how
to pick its leaders.
Not that San Franciscans aren’t getting some pretty
juicy choices. According to my ole buds over at the Examiner, you can
choose crack-heads, women beaters, animal executioners, a variety of
porn queens and kings, and a mamma’s boy or two. Trouble is, today’s
press makes such real-life experience out to be a negative thing. The Ex
is missing a real goldmine by not following up this rich vein young
Adriel Hampton has discovered. I mean, if you’re building circulation
(first step toward selling more ads), how can you pass up a page 6
filled with nothing but candidates in drag? Hell, I’m straight & I’d put
on one of Hefty Hannah’s mini-skirts just to be in that issue. If Frank
Jordan can get naked with a couple of DJ’s, I can show a little
Let me see, there’s an
idea coming here…
Throw things at
($1 and up)
Aaron Peskin shaved his beard for charity last year.
That took some nerve. Others give away neckties and go to dinner with
insane groupies for the cause.
But I’m thinking that as the poet said, they “here doth
miss & there, exceed the mark.” In my book, what the voter really wants
about now is to be able to legally throw things at the bastards who are
stuffing your mailboxes and tying up your phones and polluting your
landscape. I’m not a cruel person by nature (although Gavin Newsom might
disagree), so I wouldn’t favor the public being allowed to throw
anything explosive or caustic. However, I’d think that just about
anything else should be allowed.
We can do the whole affair in the park across from City
Hall. You can get in one line to donate objects to throw and another
line to pay up and heave. I’m sure our just-canned airport screeners
would volunteer to weed out the truly dangerous items.
Prices? How about a buck or two for a piece of rotten
fruit & $5 for a plastic bag of doggie doo? There will be a good sized
pile of alarm clocks I’d bet and in the right hands, they can really
make a dent, soooo … say $10 for an alarm clock? A couple of bound voter
handbooks in the right spot can probably break an arm or put a hopeful
into tweetie-tweetie land for a few minutes.
Let your mind roam. For a thousand bucks, Gerardo
Sandoval would probably let you shoot him out of a cannon. (I’d point
the thing at the mayor’s window.) For another grand each, Da Mayor could
throw city, state & federal flags at Chris Daly (still attached to their
poles tipped with those pointy things). I could raise a bunch of money.
Not that anyone knows me outside City Hall but, in this case, that’s
good enough. I can envision a couple of hundred servants sent by the
“people on the hill,” all wearing Newsom & Segal buttons, all throwing
things from Macy’s.
OK, let it go, h.
I need a taller soap
Well, we’ve reached October and I don’t have a date for
Halloween yet. Or, is it the prom? Oh yeah, the Chronicle editorial
board, that’s the one. Also, the Examiner. The large dailies have
followed the lead of the “Plan C” yuppies and are simply ignoring fringe
lunatics such as myself. I mean, how am I gonna get my message out there
if the big boys don’t give my ideas a fair hearing?
Oh, you say, that’s the idea? You just could be right.
Yep, the dailies are run by narrow-minded fanatics who only serve the
Fortunately, no one seems to listen to them. Am I clear?
OK, it works like this. The largest circulation SF media outlets are the
New York Times, SF Chronicle & SF Examiner. To reach the masses with an
idea, you need your idea to appear in one of those publications. The
Times, to the best of my knowledge, does not cover City Hall. That
leaves us with the Hearsts & the Fangs. The Hearsts heard all candidates
in the last election. They, at least, made a semblance of fairness. The
Fangs don’t even do that.
Both publications have lists (written or not) of favored
politicians and political players. When, for instance, Gavin Newsom
votes to evict old people from their apartments in his district, you’ll
not read about it in the Examiner or the Chronicle. If h. brown presents
a plan to attack the root cause of homelessness by calling for a $20
million program providing 2,000 homeless and “at-risk” citizens with
mentors in exchange for free parking , you won’t read about that in the
two dailies. Even though, I have the education, experience, and data to
support such a program.
Let me get off this horse for now. Bottom line is,
ignore anything on local politics presented to you by the two SF
dailies. They have an agenda and a lineup and they do not hold the truth
in high esteem. You should, instead, listen to this drunken, crazy,
pot-head, homeless, welfare cheat & renowned lecher. Search out my
columns. Follow my advice. … You’re getting sleepy now. … Your eyelids
are heavy. You cannot keep your eyes open. …
Taking it back to the
I don’t do demonstrations anymore. Oh, I’ll go cover
them for this column. I’m just not in the mind-set to do the sign &
street & sidewalk thing. But news flash of the last couple of weeks or
so has me rethinking my position. It seems the government is
experimenting with a valium-based spray to use against demonstrators! I
mean, hubba, hubba, hubba!
Ever do valium? At one time over 40 million Americans
had prescriptions for the stuff. I once had four-quadrant dental surgery
in which they laid open my gums and scraped my jaw bones while I was
wide awake and as the dentist promised, I “didn’t care.” Pretty strong
stuff. Certainly worth getting on the picket line for a little smoky
waft of da substance. But, why stop there? Indeed, I can think of any
number of intoxicants that would draw a crowd. Good pot is always a
winner. Acid would make for a truly jolly old time. Surely, a helicopter
spraying Jack Daniels in an aerosol form would be welcome anywhere I’m
carrying a sign.
Ahhhh, our government. Like, offering a free buzz is
going to cut DOWN on the crowd?
I heard this one
Other reporters do research & call people on the phone.
They take notes and check everything twice. I prefer to watch TV. And
drink. If I go to City Hall, it’s only to pick up agendas or support the
arts (read, drink) or eavesdrop on real reporters.
Other day, I heard a good one. I heard this gorgeous
blonde, built like you wish, heard her say (she’s an insider in Da
Mayor’s office), heard her tell someone that the mayor had scheduled so
many (10) debates with Ammiano in the last election because he wanted
the public to hear Tom’s “whiney” voice. Ouch! It worked. It will work
again too. Drop out, President Ammiano. The polls show you pulling
exactly the same 36% you pulled in the last election. Take yourself out
of the game. Go to the bench for a new quarterback. That, or get the
cops to spray something really special at your rallies.
There’s this new drug I been reading about. Called “sextasy.”
Combination of viagra and ecstasy. Now, that would be some rally.
2 black cats left!:
Friday, October 4
Watching City Hall
By h. brown
“Why don’t they throw downfield
– Me, bitching about the Niner’s
Cause I did it once … and they made
me go get it!
– My campaign mgr., Jens Nielsen
got the final cat spayed yesterday. Still got three available for
adoption, so don’t y’all hold back. We’ve begun work on clearing the
funky old corral behind my cubbie hole and my buddy Chris wants to put
in a garden. The folks who rent the store (used-to-be-stables) in front
would like to just turn the space over to the tenants here. We’ll see
what we can work out. It’s a really interesting situation.
would be so cool to take down all the fences in the spaces down the
block and make a New Orleans style courtyard. You know why they did
those courtyards in New Orleans, don’t you? It was because the streets
were full of horny sailors and parents didn’t want their children
exposed to the louts. If you think the streets of the Tenderloin are any
better than 18th century New Orleans, you’re wrong. So, clear
out the trash, groom the space & spray for fleas, tame & adopt out the
cats. I hate that worst – love to have a real job and rent a place where
I could keep the little angels.
Matt Smith, I love ya, but …. jeeez
– Sung to the melody of “Board
ooffff my hearrrt, I love your melody”
respects the Board of Supervisors.
normally, I think that’s a good thing. I mean, one should always be at
least suspicious of anyone who’d run for public office in the first
place. Stillll, there is constructive criticism and then there is
uninformed blather which your piece in yesterday’s
SF Weekly was composed of … to the top … leaking at the seams.
bad piece, Matt. Because: Matt Smith does not have a clue about the
Board of Supervisors. He does not watch them. Oh, he watches them a
bit. Not much. Almost none of the major writers who work for the
various publications spend much time actually watching the board.
They’re on the clock. Their editors are barbarian sycophants with
well-greased posteriors who pass along the favor. Write something bad
about someone the owner likes: take it up the kazoo! So, the writers
don’t challenge the people who sign their checks. Not getting a check, I
don’t have that problem.
back to Matt. His piece of Wednesday, October 2nd showed
Brother Smith to be elitist, impatient, brilliant & sublimely
uninformed. Hey, the boy can write. He’s been doing the best stuff in
town the last year. At his best, he’s fearless, an inspired researcher
& he seems to have core values. At his worst, (such as the 10-2 piece)
he kisses ass with the rich at the top of his class.
the things you have to do to party with the rich in this town is to be
down on the present, pedestrian, elected-by-their-neighbors Board of
Supes. Matt, this great writer, he gets down and wallows with the best
Ken Garcia obsequious offerings. You know why?
it because he took some out-of-town friends to see the board and because
the board was busy doing the mayor’s work because the mayor ignored the
voter will to shake loose his control of the Gentrification Juggernaut.
Because it was boring to his visitors, Smith decides to kill two birds
with one stone. First, he attacks the board (which will get the boy many
a lunch); then, he looks like king shit for the out-of-town guests.
Matt boy, do you remember Barbara Kaufman? Do you recall Michael Yaki?
Does the name Mabel Teng ring a bell? You clearly haven’t watched this
board. Did you watch the last? The last board moved quickly because
there was no dissent. Hell, the mayor appointed most of them. This
present board thinks. They ask serious questions and that can take some
time. Especially, if the mayor’s people are there trying to snow them.
is simply ignoring the will of the voters. He has found a loophole by
which he can refuse to seat a Planning Commission and a Board of Appeals
ordained by the voters. He keeps the power through Gerald Green & the
next mayor can use the same method to exert control over these same
bodies in the future. Back to the drawing board for Gonzalez and company
to fix that defect.
Brown has done the same thing in
the Department of Elections, where he has blocked the new Elections
Commission’s efforts to find and seat a new director. Then there’s
instant run-off balloting. Your voted for it but an overpaid vendor
picked by Da Mayor (ESS) is stalling. Before a dictator like Willie,
your vote doesn’t mean much. It was none other than Franklin Roosevelt
who said of a Supreme Court decision he didn’t like: “OK, they’ve made
the law. Now let’s see them enforce it.” Willie thinks the same. Soooo,
the board works late nights doing double duty as the de facto Planning
Commission. The case you were watching would have been more interesting
to you and your guests if you’d seen the previous hearings on the
matter. This board takes the matter of planning a lot more seriously
than Willie’s old commission did. They don’t just rubber stamp monster
projects. They listen to both sides & each other, and they work out
deals. Things are always faster if you ignore the public, Matt.
Did you, for instance, realize that
the conflict between Mark Leno & Chris Daly over the property at 1598
Dolores could be seen as a payback for the St. Mark’s project? Any idea
what that means? It speaks to the questions of density and
neighborhood-vs.-developer power struggles and views and air space.
You’re a marvelous writer, Mr. Smith, but you are truly out-to-lunch
when it comes to the board. This is a scrapping, hard-working, fearless
bunch and its only going to get better.
Speaking of which …
brown’s endorsements & picks
Connolly for Superior Court Seat 10.
Strictly on his merits. He’s spent years defending the accused and he’s
spent time defending the cops. Having argued for over a decade from
either side of the bench, Connolly brings a wealth of experience. He has
earned the right to take on the black robes and take his place in the
middle of his own court.
Whitney Leigh for School Board.
I used to be a teacher. I worked
with very difficult kids. The delinquents and sometimes downright thugs.
Fighting to save them is one of life’s most noble callings. It is a
calling Whitney has embraced. He’s defended juveniles as a deputy public
defender. Whit’s reputation among the kids is legendary. If the School
Board ever needed a juvenile justice advocate, now is the time.
Sarah Lipson for School Board.
Six years as a loving first-grade and resource teacher & in her first
year as a loving momma. Sarah has her head on right. As a former
teacher, I always knew “high stakes” tests were a joke. Ms. Lipson not
only agrees; she has made elimination of such tests a priority item.
Daniel Guillory for School Board.
Like Whitney Leigh, Guillory is a walking role model. A good one. The
guy is a lawyer who owns a business, tutors kids, works on an SFUSD task
force & is active in the PTA. I’m assuming he’s the guy under the Golden
Dragon’s mask at the parade every year too.
Mabel Teng for Assessor-Recorder.
Bruce Brugmann says that Mabel has seen the light. OK, now all we gotta
do is get her to hire Ronald Chun as her deputy and we’ll have it all.
brown in District 2. Who’s
Barry Hermanson in District 4.
I’m one of the people Barry saved from the streets by giving them a good
job. And that was 20 years ago! Barry has a heart of gold and he’s a
brilliant, low-key negotiator. What a breath of fresh air after Leland
Yee. Barry has spent years volunteering on various study groups and task
forces centering on living wages, comprehensive health care, and a
genuinely compassionate approach to homelessness.
Chris Daly in District 6. The
kid has been massive for us these past two years. He stands his ground
like a grunge Goliath, protecting and fighting for the poor and the
disabled. Chris has been the target for the most sustained barrage of
lies, slander, threats, and ridicule from the two daily newspapers that
I have seen in 22 years here. Now, that’s quite a compliment! If the
Fangs and the Hearsts hate you that badly, you must be one hell of a
guy. Daly once more. Then we’ll think about sending the kid packing (to
Radulovich/Hansen in District 8.
Well, what are you gonna do? I like both horses in this race. I think
Hansen will kick ass in a runoff against any of the other candidates. I
want to see them debate, but I see Hansen finally getting her gold
enough of that. I’ll get you my latest on the propositions and bonds and
that sort of thing next week. Now, I have to check the kitty who just
had her operation, go catch lunch with a couple of City Hall reporters
and start getting my head right for an evening of merry-making. Gonzalez
has an art opening/book signing in his office after work. I’ve found it
a good place to meet and be rejected by brilliant and beautiful women.
Later, there’s a gathering of artists who want to meet all the political
candidates at a place called “Footloose” (252 9th @ Fulton).
I received word that my friend, the noted composer/pianist, Neska will
play Community Music Center (500 Capp) Saturday night. The Giants split
with the Braves in Atlanta & the Niners have the Rams Sunday. It
couldn’t get much better.
black cats! … black cats!: