“Survivor”
for politicians
This is fiction. As in … not true.
However, I bet you if the mayor and supes ever did play “Survivor,”
it really would play out the way I describe it.
I bet it would. For those of you who have
not watched the TV show “Survivor” … congratulations.
For those of you shallow enough (like me) to be a fan, I
apologize for changing the rules a bit. My version of the show
goes like this. Twelve politicians (in this case, the mayor
& all eleven district supes) spend ten weeks competing in
a variety of challenges, with the winner of each challenge
immune to expulsion in the weekly tribal vote. The first five
pols voted out are out of the game. The next five voted out
return the tenth week to vote a final winner from the
remaining two contestants. The overall winner becomes mayor.
We won’t put them on a desert island or starve them or
anything. Home base will be twelve cute little tents in U.N.
Plaza, and they’ll get their food with food stamps which
they’ll obtain each Monday by waiting in a line two blocks
long.
Here’s Week 1.
Challenge 1: Stuffing the
ballot box
The goal is to vote in as many precincts as
possible in the last hour before the polls close. To simulate
reality, no poll worker will have an IQ of over 50.
The results are in! It wasn’t close.
Second place went to Aaron Peskin, who turned out to be a
cycling monster and reached five precincts but turned out to
be terrible at forgery. The mayor somehow cast more than 50
perfect votes spread out over not only the entire city, but
Treasure Island, too. He wouldn’t say how he did it.
Immunity this week goes to Willie Brown.
The tribal vote: Oddly (or maybe not), even
though the mayor had immunity, he still got eight votes to get
out. Ammiano got one vote (from the mayor), Sandoval got one
(from Newsom), and our first outcast was … Gavin Newsom with
two votes (one each from Sandoval & Ammiano). Having
learned from the week’s challenge, the supes were somehow
able to cast more than 200 absentee and provisional ballots,
all of which were disallowed although both Bill Lee and the
city attorney thought they were all genuine. Newsom seemed
angry but relieved to be leaving, commenting: “Some bastard
stole my food stamps on Tuesday, and I haven’t eaten in four
days.”
Challenge 2: Most terrible
wardrobe
The contestants were required to dig through
a Goodwill box and told to put together an outfit they would
feel most comfortable wearing to a board meeting. Wilkes
Bashford was judge.
The winner in a walk was Jake McGoldrick.
The beaming Jake (unaware it was for “worst” outfit)
offered: “Hey, this looks like the kind of thing I always
wear!” Bashford commented aside to the mayor: “He’s got
a kind of Jack Ruby look.”
The tribal vote: Goodbye, Willie! Dr.
Phillip Paris was brought in to oversee this vote and managed
to get the number of votes to match the number of voters,
which is never easy in San Francisco. Ammiano got one vote
(from the mayor). Daly got one vote (from Leland Yee). The
mayor got the rest. Looking back over the campsite as he left,
Willie commented: “What a great location for a “peaker”
power plant.”
Challenge 3: Least in touch
with reality
Contestants answered three questions:
Leland Yee won in a walk for being the only
player to answer “yes” to all three questions.
The tribal vote: See you late, Tony Hall.
The philosophical lines of voters remain clear. Big Tony got a
downward thumb from everyone but Yee, who again voted to get
rid of Chris Daly.
Challenge 4: Worst record on
the environment
The supes were rated on their sponsorship
and votes of legislation most damaging to open space and air.
The “winner” was Aaron Peskin for his
role as negotiator in two disasters. In the “Ferry Park”
legislation brokered by his office, the citizens lost their
trees and there will be no more. The supe guaranteed this by
approving an underground garage over which no serious tree can
take root. In his latest clouded move, Peskin struck a deal
with United Airlines under which UA gets lotsa free rent and
the citizens get a spot for a high pollution, unnecessary
peaker power plant at the airport. … Such a deal!
The tribal vote: Chris Daly got one vote
(from Leland Yee), and Leland Yee got everyone else’s vote.
Challenge 5: Best looking in
drag
The idea is to go to a straight bar dressed
as a member of the opposite sex. AND to get a date with some
unsuspecting patron.
Last place went to Jake McGoldrick, who
barely escaped a terrible beating at an Oakland biker bar by
freezing an angry mob in their tracks with the words: “What
is ‘gender,’ really?” He escaped in the confusion of
attempted thought.
The winner? … Next week … or the one
after. You don’t really care, do you?
For really bad advice: sobone@juno.com
h. brown
